* Wake up at 7:00 after a long Nyquil-induced night which you hoped would relieve the back pain from having thrown your back out the day before.
* Make your way to the bathroom, only to realize you are about to pass out.
* With as much grace and speed as one can muster with a sore back, get down to the floor before actually passing out.
* Realize now that you're on the floor, you can't get back up
Have husband hand you 3 Advil tablets to see if you can numb the pain
enough to get off the floor, which you now wish you had swept over the
* After a while and repeated examinations by
both cats, realize it's rather hopeless. Consider spending the entire
day on the floor. Wish part of the bathroom was carpeted.
* Admit defeat and allow husband to call for paramedics.
* Give the neighbors plenty to talk about as both an ambulance AND a fire truck pull up outside your house.
Surrender any last trace of dignity you were pretending you might have
had when you greet 8 strange men while you're laying on the floor in
your crossword puzzle pajamas.
* When two young men
have helped you to your knees, scare them by fainting from the pain.
It's best not to have warned them that you tend to get dizzy if you want
to achieve the full effect.
* Come to on the
bathroom rug in time to hear the paramedics discussing how to carry you
down the stairs. Try not to think about how often the furniture got
bumped when it was being brought up.
* Scream loudly
in pain each time they move you a bit to get you strapped onto a very
cold metal frame--this will help them appreciate what growing old is
* Pray none of the neighbors are around to see you being wheeled out of your home on a stretcher.
Enjoy a long ride in the ambulance as it strives to hit every single
bump and pothole on the way to the emergency room and wonder why
ambulances are constructed without shocks.
that trying to downplay how much you are hurting is stupid as A) the
paramedic has pain medications he is willing to share, B) he can see
you flinching in pain, and C) you have already totally parted company with your dignity anyway
* Scream repeatedly in pain as the
doctor examines you, which will result in you finding out that the
number one thing people show up in the emergency room for is indeed back
pain, and that there is little they can do except give you
prescriptions for drugs.
* When the nurse tries to
move you to a wheel chair to discharge you, warn her you're feeling
dizzy. When she doesn't really take you seriously, faint in the
* Wake up back in the bed with an I.V. now in the opposite arm, and many new wires attached to you.
Enjoy a full battery of tests that go on for several hours, only to be
told that the body's response to pain is often to slow down the heart
beating, which is probably an okay response except when one already has a
naturally slow heartbeat.
* Take several hours
before you can get into the wheelchair without fainting. This time the
nurses leave the I.V. in until they're sure they will be able to get rid
of you, as you have run out of arms.
* Make it home with very funky drugs and where you finally get food almost 24 hours after your last meal.
* Enjoy a drug-induced sleep, interspersed with wake-up head bumps by a very worried kitty.
Find out that the drugs might limit your consciousness, but certainly
help with the pain as well. Wish you'd taken a few less spills on your
horse as a child--especially the ones involving splatting into the pole
* Decide aging might beat the alternative, but that is still stinks all the same.......