Friday, September 25, 2009

Iron Knitter

BOB: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to tonight's episode of Iron Knitter, the new reality knitting show where we give our unsuspecting knitter a completely messed up pattern which she must fix without any help from the original designer.

Tonight's pattern, the notorious Yoke Pullover, has a cleverly concealed big floppy neck that, while perfect for a two-headed knitter, has driven most other knitters completely crazy. The designer was careful to NOT knit the yoke in the round to ensure that the unsuspecting knitter will not realize how floppy the neck is until she has actually finished knitting ALL the pieces AND sewing them together. A true masterpiece of sadistic design, wouldn't you agree Dave?

DAVE: Absolutely Bob. It's a rare occasion when we can find a pattern that can so cleverly hide its "gotcha" moment even in a photograph. See how the model's hair completely covers the floppiness of the neck? True brilliance. We're dealing with an artist tonight.

BOB: And what about Toni, tonight's contender? Is she really up the challenge?

DAVE: Well, Bob, she's been knitting for a very long time--since around the age of 7 or 8--so she's a plausible contender. We thought we had her at the Mystery Stole episode, but she recovered and pulled through, so we can't underestimate her. She managed to come through steeking stronger than we thought, but she is currently refusing all knowledge of a red shawl started on size zero needles, so she has some weak spots. It should be a good match tonight.

BOB: She's starting out with a conventional ripping out of seams, and it looks like we have frogging, but look at that! She's only ripping back a few inches and...yes! She's going circular!
DAVE: A bold move indeed, because as you remember, the designer used the straight needle & seam method. And it looks she going to.....BOB: She has broken free of the pattern! Who could have seen this coming and so early in the competition? Well, now anything is possible. What a tremendous step!

DAVE: She has a couple options here--changing the pattern, going down in needle size, and look at this!She's dropped not one, but TWO needle sizes! Bob, I don't mind saying that I haven't seen knitting this bold since Florence Gibbons broke free of the shoulder pad designs and fluorescent yarns in 1986. Really this is a knitter to watch.

BOB: Uh oh, it looks like...yes, it is she's got a snarl! THAT's going to set her back. And she was really showing great speed.

DAVE: That's always a risk of frogging without rewinding. It was a big risk to take and it just didn't pan out. And Toni raises a new question--were the designer's parents actually married? That might be a good question to go into at the post-event recap.

BOB: Look at this! She's going to go on without unwinding the snarl! Unbelievable! This is a brave knitter, Dave. I think her recent success with steeks is giving her a little more confidence in taking chances.

DAVE: I think you're right, Bob. Facing those scissors is such a tremendous hurdle and once a knitter gets past it, it's hard to even scare her with Fair Isle.

BOB: You're right there, Dave. And it looks like Toni is going to attempt a little pattern alteration here....yep, there she goes--she's changing to a 5-stitch cable instead of a six-stitch. This is going to be tricky, and she may not be able to really pull it off...Yep, just as we feared, she has changed the cable pattern too much. The cable doesn't cross now, it just bends, and she's going to have to frog again. It sounds like Ms. Sutton has a suggestion for the designer, but I'm not sure it's actually something that's humanly possible.

DAVE: She's backed up a couple rows, changed the stitch pattern, and it looks like we're back on track, but we've still got some curling issuesBOB: It looks like the designer got her again with that curling issue. With some really clever blocking, the picture was able to hide the fact that there just isn't enough purling as part of the pattern to stop the neck from rolling. This designer certainly knows some of the best ways to mess up a knitter, and her clever use of starch to cover up the rolling was just a sign of sheer brilliance.

DAVE: I don't know about you, Bob, but I'm on the edge of my seat here and can't wait to see what happens next week. Will Toni find a way around the rolling, or is she going to throw in the towel and frog the whole thing? I really think it could go either way at this point.

BOB: It will be an exciting finish. Looks like Toni is headed for a little relaxation and maybe a little therapyand we'll be back next week with the exciting conclusion to....

Iron Knitter